Monday, March 9, 2009

Izzy's Evil Plan

Has anyone seen the TV show, Dog Whisperer? I love that show and personally believe that Caesar is pretty much awesome. To be like Caesar...can you even imagine?? The man walks into a room full of bad bad dogs and he just reeks of control and EVERY single dog bows to his command. Incidentally, if you have ever seen Nanny 911 or one of those shows, the teachings are the same. Bad kids, bad dogs, same solution...pick a show, either one will solve all of your problems with your bad dogs or your bad children. Anyways...I digress.

One thing that Caesar and I disagree on is that dogs are not vindictive. Caesar says that dogs do not hold grudges, they do not plot evil plans to get back at you for making them crap outside. I, on the other hand, very firmly believe that dogs can be vindictive and spend their hours sitting in the kennels, carefully planning their next evil plan to make their owners suffer. Case in point...Izzy.

Izzy is my mother's 'Shit zu'. Emphasis on the first syllable. She is my mother's prized possession. If anything were to happen to one of her daughters on your watch, you could probably explain it to her and she would get over it. If anything were to happen to Izzy on your watch, well, you might as well start driving to Mexico because there is no forgiving the ultimate sin of messing with her dog. Izzy has always been a special dog, needing a little extra care and love, cuz she is a little slow. Unfortunately for us, I think she is faking it. I think she pretends to be a little slow, a little on the stupid side, in order to get away with more crapping in the living room...and the closet...and each and everyone of our bedrooms. One may say that Izzy's lack of bowel control is our fault, we are negligent owners, who have not trained her properly or do now spend enough time with her. I know the dog's secret though. As she lays on her pillow on the couch and pretends to sleep for 23 hours a day, she is really contriving her plan, which she will put into action the minute she is left alone. Unfortunately for Izzy, she is never left alone due to the excessive crapping. Someone has to be with her at all times, but this morning...well, this morning was a bad morning.

This morning my parent's alarm clock celebrated it's 31st year by breaking down. Yes, you read correctly, my parents have had the same alarm clock all 31 years they have been married. And today, it finally passed onto it's alarm clock grave. Due to the passing of the clock, my parents both slept in, which also means that my little sister slept in. So my father was late for work. My sister was late for school. And my mother was running late, she had five women coming to our house to carpool to the cities. So I ended up giving my little sister a ride to school, my father took off for work and my mother frantically blew her hair dry and did her makeup. And this, my friends, is the moment when Izzy realized her opportunity. This was the moment she had been waiting for. Finally after months and months of waiting and plotting and planning, she finally had an opportunity to act on her evil plan.

And her evil plan started with a prompt and stinky crapping in the living room, approximately five minutes after she had been let outside to do her business. She chose the living room because the stench would be most noticed by all of the five ladies coming to our house that morning. She than promptly ran downstairs to eat all the food that was on the coffee table. All the candy that she had been eyeing, the bowls and cups that had been left there from last night. She jumped right up, licking everything to her hearts desire, knocking water bottles and juice cups to the ground, gleefully creating a mess. When I returned home less then 15 minutes later, she pranced right up the stairs and, I swear to you, sat down and grinned at me. I knew, I knew she had crapped in the living room. I knew she had destroyed the basement. And because she is slightly slow and special and my mother's dog, I had no choice other then to pick up the crap and the basement. So I cleaned it up and gave Izzy the evil eye. And I swear to you, she gave me the evil eye right back, with a slight grin on her face, thinking, "You think the living room was the only placed I crapped in today, but just you wait cuz when you are least expecting it, you will find the rest, the rest of the poop, and I promise you with all my little dog will, that you will find the poop only when you have no shoes and no socks on and that, my stupid little owner, is when you will find the crap I have hidden...(insert evil laugh)...WAHAHAHAHAH."


Landstrom family said...

Remind me that dogs are horrible if I ever tell you I'm thinking of getting one for Carter please. Seriously, that is horrendous. I give you permission to smack me.

Nat said...

That's what I like about cats-they have one place to poop, end of story. But I don't think Izzy's evilness is pure evil, as Shih Tzus are in the bottom 10% of intelligence. My parents' Shih Tzu still doesn't know her name, and they've had her for, like, 8 + years.

Jes and Elvin said...

I love it!!! I just have to laugh. We had a dog that would do that on occasion. I was the unlucky person who one day stepped in the runny crap with no shoes or socks on. Let's just say that I completely freaked out and screamed for my mom to clean it off me. I was too frozen and mortified to do it myself.